Grief: Staying alive and kicking when people are dying around you

… in this world nothing can be said to be certain, except death and taxes
Ben Franklin, in a letter written in 1789

How can we prepare to get through the storms of life?

My mother-in-law, my husband and my mom died in the last six years. While I was deeply saddened by this, I still had to take care of most administrative issues for them and keep looking to the future. I wanted to have work and clients after this was over. As freelancers, our clients disappear when we disappear.

How did I keep clients through these crises?

Years ago, I was a contractor for a government client that expected to be my top priority. While I spent almost a year working 40 hours a week for them, I neglected all the clients I had worked with in the previous years. Then one day the work from this client trickled down to next to nothing, and it took another 6 months to build up my client base again.

Since then, I have built working relationships with colleagues where we cover for each other. If I am sick, have a family emergency, whatever, I let the client know that my colleague will be taking it from there. I put them in touch with each other and move on. The client gets what they need, my colleague gets a bit more work, and I can take care of the things that happen in life. This is open and transparent, and it works really well.

When dealing with death, this process frees me up a lot.

How do I keep my head together?

These are stressful moments in life. I went to a presentation at my church years ago about self-care for caregivers. When caregivers neglect their own self-care, the people they are caring for suffer. I apply this principle to everything I do. Even so, after dealing with three deaths in six years, I am playing catch-up with some of my own health issues. Below are some of the things I do to take care of myself, and I expect everyone to have a unique list. I share it just to get people thinking:

• I take care of my health and do something that makes me happy every day. When we are not well, we are not able to serve those we care about effectively.
• I do not avoid the things we enjoyed doing with my loved ones because those things bring me joy.
• I have started to do things I enjoy and the person I miss had no interest in.
• I still hold to the values we shared and often try to hear the advice they would give me.

When there is a death, I follow a checklist inspired by a newspaper clipping my mother-in-law had. My mom died in Argentina, my husband died in the Seattle area, and my mother-in-law died in Oregon. They were very different people in different places, and I had to figure out how to make each memorial service something that represented them and was comforting for my family.

Customize funeral arrangements.

Whether the death happened in Oregon, Washington state or Argentina, I adapted local practices. I started while they were alive, having conversations about what they wanted. I told them that when the time came, I would have to make a lot of decisions, and I needed their guidance.

Funeral homes have well-developed checklists. A Google search for funeral homes in your area will give you insight into local expectations. Houses of worship have chaplains to advise you and other resources. Your friends, relatives, etc. may want to help you plan. When my mom died in Argentina, I was sitting at home in Auburn, Washington. My brother and my uncle were in Argentina, and I checked messages on WhatsApp constantly during the flights and while waiting in airports. I also told them that if anything went sideways, the most important thing here was to show each other love and it would be OK.

Be yourself at the memorials.

The funeral organizers asked for pictures for a slide show that would run in a loop when my mother-in-law died. That just didn’t fit who I was and how we wanted to honor her. So we collected items that represented her and put them on a couple of tables people could approach during the fellowship time at the memorial. That worked great. We put out awards nobody knew about, and it was healing to dig into her things to see how we could share who she was.

Then we did the same thing with my husband and my mom. Cookbooks, tennis rackets, patents, books they read, quilts they made, pictures they took… The conversations sparked by these displays were great.
The timelines for memorials are different based on the community your loved one was part of. In Argentina, you bury people in 24 hours. In the US, it is pretty flexible. I adjusted to a combination of my preference (the Argentine way) and the expectations of the community I was part of. The local chaplains and pastors were helpful with that.

Be ready to deal with money. Deaths come with expenses.

When their health was winding down, I took enough money out of their investments to last a few months, pay for the funeral, etc. I overestimated by a lot and shared what was left with the other heirs.

It helps to be a cosigner on their checking account and have power of attorney for dealing with finances. Keep in mind that a power of attorney is valid only when the person is alive, so it is important to make these withdrawals when we have an idea it will be needed. When my husband was in the hospital the last couple of days, I told him I had to talk to our financial advisor. He knew I had to do that and was happy I was going. This is where having a cosigner on the person’s account can make things a lot easier.

When we realize they won’t live another 10 years, have an honest conversation about what their preferences are. Then write it down so you have a record to come back to.

Again, it is important for someone to have power of attorney for healthcare and for financial decisions at this point. In a sense, it is not just about the death. It is about the smooth transition, caring for that person we love at the end of their life and sharing that love with others.

Let others know.

Notice your loved one’s habits. Who are the people they call the most, the ones they get more messages from on WhatsApp or email? Make a list of people to contact based on their phone records. I went through my mother-in-law’s phone before her death to see who she contacted more frequently and made a “contact these people” list. I read it to her, and she added a few names. Those people were very glad I had checked in with them.

In Argentina, on the other hand, as soon as a couple of people know, they start calling each other. About 40 people showed up to my mom’s memorial and burial the day after she died. My sister and I flew in and went straight from the airport to the funeral grounds.

What can you do with their stuff?

Don’t rush to distribute everything. That can wait a year or so. Get over the pain before selling important things. Even though I say that, my husband’s clothes were gone within a week

With my mother-in-law, we told her nursing home that they could keep her clothes for other seniors who could use them. With David, I checked with my son and my son-in-law to see what they wanted to keep. The rest went to Goodwill within a week. With my mom, my sister took care of distributing the clothes to the places where she thought my mom would want them to go.

However, we are taking our time distributing things that are special to us. When we visit the apartment where my mom lived, which is now ours, we want to have some things that remind us of her. We will know when it is time to distribute those things.

It’s OK to laugh and to cry almost at the same time.

It is okay to cry, laugh, and even laugh at the weird things they did. Nobody is perfect, and it is okay to laugh at them, to say “finally, I can do this thing!”

I have been going to a support group for widows and widowers, and it has been great to know I am not alone. Community centers have information about local resources.

An organ donor group sent me a leaflet on how to get through this stage in my life. I set it aside, and when I came back to it I was ready to get into it and be comforted. Just keep stuff.

We got lots of cards about David, my husband. I put them all in a folder, opened them quite a bit later, and around Christmas I sent notes to some of the people who wrote to me. He died in January, so that was a long time later. I wrote to people when I was ready.

David loved photography. I bought a camera he would be jealous of, and I go for photography walks. We sang together in choir. I am in a choir now. These are ways I keep him in my life now.

Every death is different. The relationship we have with each person is unique. These things are just to help you think. Working through a death is working through a transition in a relationship. They will always be with you in some way. I remember each of them almost daily through the things I learned from them, the experiences I wish I could share with them, the texts and phone calls I miss and, sometimes, through the relief that they can’t tell me they don’t like something.

My mother-in-law died in Oregon in 2019, my husband died in Washington state in January 2024, and my mom died in Argentina in May 2025. The last six years have been challenging, but the following things have helped me keep moving: My children have been super supportive, and my friends and colleagues have been amazing. Friends and family have been essential. People have helped me at every turn. I just had to ask. So when people say they want to help, take them up on that. We just can’t go it alone on this type of thing. Even going to run errands together softens the blow. Without my community, this would be a different story.

David, my husband, was proud of being “Mr. Helen” and supported me as I got involved with the profession, with my grandkids, and with my kids. This helps me carry on today.

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About the Author

Helen Eby lives near Seattle, Washington, where she works as a translator and court interpreter. She is an ATA certified translator (English to Spanish and Spanish to English) and a Washington State certified Spanish court interpreter. She enjoys supporting colleagues in the translation and interpreting professions, and digging into complicated issues. When she is not busy with translation she can be found playing with her family, out with her camera, or hiking on a trail.